Why "Just Be Grateful" Doesn't work: A compassionate Guide for Women Facing Depression and Anxiety
In the world of women’s health and perinatal mental health, phrases like “just be grateful” are often offered with kindness but land with unintended weight. When someone is struggling with depression, anxiety, despair, or deep doubt, this kind of statement—though well-meaning—can feel oversimplified, invalidating, or even painful. After all, if gratitude were as simple as flipping on a switch, many people would gladly flip it.
The truth is complicated. While social science consistently shows that gratitude is linked to improved mental health and increased resilience, that does not mean gratitude can override symptoms of depression or anxiety, nor does it mean we should aim to “gratitude” our way out of real emotional pain. Instead, gratitude is better understood not as a list we force ourselves to write, but as a lens we strengthen over time—slowly, gently, consistently.
This article explores what gratitude really is, how it interacts with women’s mental health across the lifespan (including pregnancy, postpartum, and seasons of loss or transition), and how you can cultivate gratitude in a way that feels supportive rather than overwhelming. We will also explore research from Brené Brown on foreboding joy, how gratitude preserves joy, and the evidence-based coping strategies that help women manage depression and anxiety more effectively.
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Gratitude Isn’t a List—it’s a Lens
When someone is actively experiencing depression or anxiety, statements like “just be grateful” can feel dismissive. Depression narrows our emotional range, often restricting our access to joy, motivation, and connection. Anxiety fills our mind with fear, intrusive thoughts, and constant scanning for danger. In either state, the idea of “just be grateful” is like telling someone without glasses to “just see better.”
Gratitude is not meant to be a superficial exercise. It is not:
• A list of things we “should” feel thankful for
• A cure-all for mental illness
• A replacement for therapy, medication, or support
• A bypass around emotional pain
• A requirement to ignore what hurts
Gratitude is, instead, a lens—a practice of looking at the world in a way that slowly reshapes our internal landscape.
This lens does not remove hardship; rather, it gently shifts the way we process and respond to it. Because of this, gratitude belongs alongside other wellness behaviors, coping strategies, and mental health supports—not as a standalone solution, but as one part of a whole ecosystem of healing.
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Understanding Foreboding Joy: Why Joy Feels So Vulnerable
One of the most powerful insights about gratitude comes from Dr. Brené Brown’s research on emotions and vulnerability. She identifies foreboding joy as one of the most significant barriers to feeling joy deeply and consistently.
Foreboding joy is the instinctive response many people have when something feels too good. Instead of leaning into joy, the mind tries to protect us with thoughts like:
• “This won’t last.”
• “Don’t get attached.”
• “Something bad is probably around the corner.”
• “If I expect the worst, I won’t be disappointed.”
Brown found that joy is actually the most vulnerable human emotion. It requires presence, trust, and safety to fully experience. When those conditions aren’t available—because of trauma history, chronic stress, anxiety, or depression—joy can feel threatening.
But here is where gratitude becomes powerful.
Through her research, Brown discovered that people who were able to interrupt foreboding joy did not rely on willpower or positive thinking. They leaned on gratitude. In fact, she found that:
Gratitude doesn’t arise from joy—joy arises from gratitude.
This means that joy is not the spark of gratitude; gratitude is the spark of joy.
The practice of gratitude widens the emotional channel through which we can feel joy more safely and consistently.
For women who are navigating the complexities of health, hormones, motherhood, pregnancy, postpartum shifts, grief, or identity transitions, this insight is especially important. Joy often feels risky during seasons of instability—but gratitude can help stabilize the ground beneath us.
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Why Depression and Anxiety Make Gratitude So Difficult
It is essential to acknowledge that practicing gratitude is not easy—or even accessible—when depression or anxiety are present. These conditions are not simply emotional states; they are physiological, neurological, and often hormonal experiences that change the way the brain functions.
Depression affects gratitude by:
• Blunting emotional reserves
• Draining motivation
• Creating cognitive distortions (“Everything is pointless,” “Nothing good happens to me”)
• Intensifying shame and guilt
• Reducing capacity to experience joy
Anxiety affects gratitude by:
• Filling the mind with intrusive thoughts
• Hijacking attention with fear
• Creating a sense of impending danger
• Making joy feel unsafe or short-lived
• Keeping the body in a state of hyperarousal
For women, these experiences can be influenced by:
• Hormonal fluctuations
• Pregnancy and postpartum changes
• Sleep deprivation
• Caregiving pressures
• Cultural expectations
• Traumatic birth experiences
• Fertility challenges
• Infant loss or pregnancy loss
• Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs)
To tell a woman experiencing any of this to “just be grateful” ignores the neurological and emotional reality she is trying to survive. Gratitude is possible—but only when practiced in a way that honors the truth of her experience rather than dismissing it.
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How Gratitude Supports Mental Health in Women
Even though gratitude cannot cure depression or anxiety, it can support healing when integrated into broader mental health and wellness practices. Research shows that gratitude is associated with:
• Greater emotional resilience
• Lower symptoms of depression and anxiety
• Increased self-compassion
• Improved sleep
• Reduced stress hormones
• Strengthened interpersonal relationships
• Higher satisfaction in parenthood
• Expanded tolerance for joy
• Greater sense of meaning and purpose
In perinatal mental health specifically—during pregnancy, postpartum, fertility journeys, or healing from loss—gratitude has been shown to improve maternal well-being, support bonding, and mitigate stress responses.
But again—gratitude must be approached as a lens, not a task. And for women in difficult seasons, the practice must be gentle, accessible, and trauma-informed.
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How to Practice Gratitude When You’re Struggling
Below are trauma-informed, depression-sensitive, and anxiety-sensitive strategies for cultivating gratitude without forcing positivity or bypassing real emotional pain. These strategies can be used individually or combined into a daily/weekly coping routine.
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1. Start with micro-gratitude (5 seconds or less)
Depression and anxiety reduce cognitive bandwidth. Instead of looking for big things to be grateful for, start with something that takes no emotional energy at all:
• The feeling of warm water
• A soft blanket
• A moment of quiet
• A breath that doesn’t hurt
• Light coming through a window
• A stable floor under your feet
This kind of gratitude is not about naming blessings—it’s about noticing sensory experiences that anchor you to the present.
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2. Practice “and” gratitude, not “but” gratitude
“But” creates emotional dismissal.
“And” creates emotional spaciousness.
Example:
“I’m overwhelmed and I’m grateful for five minutes to myself.”
“I’m grieving and I can recognize something that brings me warmth.”
This allows room for both truth and gentleness.
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3. Use gratitude to interrupt foreboding joy
When your brain says:
“This won’t last.”
respond with a simple:
“Right now, this moment is good.”
You’re not predicting the future—you’re acknowledging the present.
This builds tolerance for joy.
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4. Focus on gratitude for support—not circumstances
You do not need to feel grateful for what you’re going through.
But you might feel gratitude for:
• Someone who checked on you
• A professional helping you heal
• Your own resilience
• A moment of rest
Circumstances do not need to be good in order for gratitude to exist.
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5. Create a “warmth folder” instead of a gratitude journal
For many women, a gratitude journal feels impossible during depression or anxiety. A warmth folder is different:
• Screenshots of kind messages
• Photos that make you smile
• Quotes or reminders that soothe
• Notes from therapy
• A list of small victories
This becomes a lens you can return to when the world feels cold.
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6. Let someone else help you notice gratitude
In perinatal mental health especially, women often need help holding perspective because of exhaustion, hormonal changes, or trauma.
A partner, therapist, doula, or friend can gently reflect gratitude moments they see:
• “I saw how patient you were today.”
• “The way your baby relaxed in your arms was beautiful.”
• “You handled that moment with so much strength.”
Gratitude can be co-regulated—not just self-generated.
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7. Use gratitude as a nervous system practice
Because gratitude activates the parasympathetic nervous system, pair it with a regulating action:
• Inhale for 4, exhale for 6
• Place a hand on your heart
• Put both feet on the ground
• Wrap yourself in a blanket
• Sip something warm
This helps rewire anxious or depressed neural pathways.
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Why Gratitude Must Co-Exist with Coping Skills
While gratitude can be a powerful tool, it is not enough on its own. Women’s mental health—especially in the perinatal period—requires a full set of coping skills and wellness behaviors. These include:
Coping Strategies:
• Cognitive behavioral techniques
• Mindfulness and grounding
• Dialectical “opposite action”
• Distress tolerance skills
• Anchoring routines
• Social support
Wellness Behaviors:
• Sleep hygiene
• Regular nourishment
• Movement that feels accessible
• Hydration
• Sunlight exposure
• Meaningful connection
Therapeutic Support:
• Individual therapy
• Couples therapy
• Trauma-informed care
• Medication support when appropriate
Gratitude works best when it is supported by these other elements—not when it is expected to replace them.
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Gratitude Within Perinatal Mental Health
Women in pregnancy, postpartum, or reproductive loss often experience emotional whiplash—moving rapidly between joy, fear, grief, uncertainty, hope, exhaustion, and love. This emotional intensity makes foreboding joy especially common.
In perinatal mental health, gratitude can support healing by:
• Softening intrusive thoughts
• Reconnecting women to small joys
• Helping preserve moments of bonding
• Creating access to rest and presence
• Counteracting the isolation of depression and anxiety
• Helping ground women through hormonal fluctuations
• Preserving identity through seasons of change
It does not minimize pain.
It does not erase trauma.
It does not take away the difficulty of motherhood or loss.
But it gives the nervous system and heart small pockets of safety to breathe.
And in seasons of overwhelm, breathing matters.
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A Gentle Practice to Try: Three Quiet Gratitudes
At the end of the day—when depression feels heavy or anxiety has been loud—try this simple grounding exercise. It takes less than a minute and requires no writing.
Close your eyes (if that feels safe) and identify:
1. One thing your body did for you today
(even if it’s just “I kept going”)
2. One person, animal, or memory that brought the slightest warmth
(even neutral warmth counts)
3. One moment that was less hard than the rest
(not joyful—just less painful)
This is not a list.
It’s a lens you are strengthening—one quiet moment at a time.
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Final Thoughts: Gratitude as a Pathway, Not a Prescription
Gratitude is not about pretending everything is fine. It’s not about forcing positivity or ignoring pain. It’s not about dismissing the reality of depression, anxiety, trauma, or the challenges that many women face in daily life or throughout reproductive seasons.
Instead, gratitude is a pathway.
A slow, gentle shift in the way we see ourselves, our circumstances, and the moments that make up our days. It is a practice of noticing—just noticing—where warmth exists, even in small or fleeting forms.
Especially for women navigating the tender complexities of health, identity, motherhood, loss, or change, gratitude can become a stabilizing anchor that supports joy, resilience, and connection. Not by replacing coping skills or treatment, but by walking alongside them.
If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, especially during pregnancy, postpartum, or through loss, you deserve support. Gratitude can be one tool among many—but you do not have to carry the weight of healing alone.
Healing is not linear, gratitude is not a cure-all, and you are doing the best you can.
And that’s enough.